It was a rather perplexed Grunter von Agony who prowled the floor after Stage 3 of the Tour of Sufferlandria.

“Mercy. I do not have it. I had look it up to know it,” Grunter was overheard saying to his Minions. “But I say, Stage 3, don’t too hard go on them. Give them rest. So I give them stage with HALF TOTALLY EASY PEASY SUPER WEEZEY EASY. The other half, yes, not so much easy. And what do riders do? THEY COMPLAIN AND WHINGE THAT IT TOO HARD. I say – half easy, half hard means medium stage, no? It medium. Like a steak that medium done. You stick a fork in it. It done. Bah. No time for this.”

And while GvA stormed away, convinced that today was ‘EASY PEASY’ the looks on riders faces as they crossed the line said otherwise:


Entire packs of riders collapsed at the finish. This, of course, is forbidden, so there was quite a long queue at the flogging station that evening. “What could we do?” said one rider. “We were on the track, we were on the road, we were in the snow, we were in the mud, we ran up stairs and flew down hills and ATTACKED ATTACKED ATTACKED and ATTACKED. And then we ATTACKED. AND WHAT THE HELL WAS WITH THAT LAST STUPID ‘BONUS’ ATTACK?”



Whether prone or upright, the prevailing feeling amongst riders was one of….animosity. Reached for comment as he was heading out to prepare the route for Stage 4, GvA ominously warned of more attacks to come from the women racing in the Tour of Sufferlandria. They’re looking feisty.







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