There was drama at the beginning of Stage 4 of the Tour of Sufferlandria as the original Broom Wagon broke down.
“Many dropped riders on early stages. We take them back to village. Broom Wagon very full every day. We think some Couchlandrians here,” said Race Director Grunter Von Agony at the start as he introduced the new broom wagon to the riders. “Do not much worry. He only eat weakness.”
Riders were warned that dropped riders will be picked up by the broom wagon, but that safe passage to the finish line could not be guaranteed. With that, the gun went off (which sent most riders into a frenzy of ATTACKING!) and the peloton made their way along the course.
It wasn’t long before former World Champion Emma Pooley got away after a series of attacks. The men in the group who had been snickering when she first went away quickly found themselves on the red line as they attempted to stay with her. Even Sufferlandrian Darksiders, normally so confident, began to find DESPAIR!
Eventually, things came together after the Muur von Miserybergen, but a massive attack by eternal Badass Evelyn Stevens blew the pack to shreds. PAIN, MISERY and AGONY were everywhere to be seen. It was beautiful.
Fighting for bonus seconds with World Champion Marianne Vos left most riders picking up the scraps, but heading into the final TTT effort there was still evidence of those who were RIDING WITH COURAGE!
At the finish, tales of valor were quickly counter-balanced with tales of hanging onto the back of the pack by the shred of a chamois. Riders collapsed where they finished, muttering that they would ‘get up in a little while when they could feel their legs again.’ On to Stage 5….
RIDER WARNING: RIDERS WHO HAVE NOT VACATED THE FINISH AREA BY THE END OF THE DAY WILL BE PICKED UP BY THE BROOM WAGON. YOUR BELONGINGS WILL BE SOLD.