System of Government
Sufferlandria has a unique political system with no known analogues. Political scientists describe it as “Auto-sadisto-dictatorial”: Autocratic rule of the self by the self. Every Sufferlandrian serves as his or her own malevolent dictator, exercising supreme power to mete out punishment upon oneself. Personal edicts are issued daily in Bike Torture Chambers across Sufferlandria, compelling our citizens to suffer greatly for the causes of Glory, Honor, and Victory. A result of this form of government is that non-Sufferlandrians tend to suffer terribly when around a Sufferlandrian exercising their governmental prerogative, especially when on a bike.
Sufferlandria’s immigration policy is liberal and open. You want to Suffer? YOU’RE ONE OF US! Once here, exactly 100% of our new citizens never leave. They’re not allowed to, and the Sufferlandrian International Airport lacks departure facilities. Furthermore, the mid-ocean Downward Spiral flings all boats back to our shores.
The system of cruel self-dictatorship is supported by an army of tax collectors. Whereas in other countries tax is a pain, in Sufferlandria PAIN IS THE TAX. The government uses the pain tax revenue to fund construction of elaborate bike torture chambers, to de-pave roads, and to import mountains from neighboring countries. In 2010 Aeoleus Ferocitus, Sufferlandrian Minister of Headwinds, spearheaded the construction of giant offshore headwind generators. These programs resulted in a threefold increase in national suffering between 2010 and 2013. The Sufferlandrian government operates under the motto: HOPE (for another interval), CHANGE (to a harder gear), and (don’t even think about) RECOVERY.
United Nations Sufferlandrian Torture Treaty
In 2010, the United Nations passed a resolution declaring Sufferfest videos, one of Sufferlandria’s major means of exporting Suffering, as cruel and unusual punishment. The UN has since banned our videos as weapons of mass destruction or something, but we’re not really paying attention. Those UN guys would be lucky to put out more than 100 watts during a flat-out sprint. What do they know of Suffering? YOU WANT SUFFERING? LET’S SEE YOU DO A REVOLVER/BLENDER/ISLAGIATT TRIPLE PUNKS!
The full text of Ban Ki-Moon’s statements to the United Nations:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the General Assembly. As previously noted by the ambassador from Couchlandria, for too long we have sat idly by, unwilling to act. Every day, in Bike Torture Chambers across the globe, innocent Sufferlandrians are, well…suffering. And they do it amongst innocent, unsuspecting non-Sufferlandrians who are easily disturbed.
A committee chaired by the nation of Couchlandria (and including the ambassador from Easeandcomfortstan) has found that these Sufferlandrians are subjected to targeted workouts so relentless, so intense that their very existence contravenes the UN Declaration of Human Rights and the Convention Against Torture. No matter that these Sufferlandrians seem to rather enjoy it. NO! What of the rest of the world who must watch this agony as the Sufferlandrians ride off into the distance?
Behind all this is the pseudo-stage-agency, we believe, is The Sufferfest, who have stockpiled Weapons of Speed Generation. With code names like “Violator” and “Revolver” and “Blender,” these weapons create such devastating speed in their victims that they have been known to lay waste to entire pelotons, flattening every course record unfortunate enough to be in their path. As long as this injustice goes unchallenged, as long as Sufferlandrians toil under the boot heels of a nearly two-hour training session with interval sets meant to increase endurance, VO2 max, AND anaerobic capacity, no one – no Strava KOM! – is safe.
The time to act is now. Once we have a little rest.
King Arthur had the Round Table. Prince had The Revolution. We have the Knights of Sufferlandria.
Of course all Sufferlandrians know how to take punishment. It’s in our nature. We kick our own asses like other people check their email — frequently, and without regard for social mores. But there are some among us who have elevated the ideal of Suffering in the cause of HONUR, GLORY and VICTORY to an art form.
They (and they are named) are the Knights of Sufferlandria. They are the elite among elites and they occupy a special place in Sufferlandrian Ministries. These are brave men and women who have forsaken their own sanity and the structural integrity of their turbo trainers to achieve the impossible: 10 Sufferfest videos completed back-to-back. A grueling, multi-hour odyssey of heroic proportions. A quad-destroying, hamstring-wringing, calf-roping, glute-melting marathon that makes even the most challenging road race look like a Couchlandrian tea party.
They are the embodiment of all that we hold true. Their names are spoken in hushed tones, and always with reverence. Could you be the next to join their ranks?
Behind the Scenes in Sufferlandrian Government: Photo Contest
We ran a ‘What do you do at work?’ photo contest across the entire Sufferlandrian Government last month. Here is the winning entry. In fact, all entries were exactly the same.