Sufferlandria at a Glance
Land Area: Undetermined. Official territory includes annexed Bike Torture Chambers outside of Sufferlandrian borders.
Population: Always increasing. Anytime someone Suffers in the pursuit of HONOUR, GLORY and VICTORY, they are Sufferlandrian.
Official Language: Painglish
Exports: Primarily Suffering, as manufactured by Sufferlandria’s beloved state industry, The Sufferfest Complete Training System. The country also has vast reserves of Courage, and is the largest exporter of this raw material in the world.
When to Visit & What to See
Feeling soft? Slow? Do you need a break from getting dropped all the time? Then NOW is the time to visit Sufferlandria.
Attention: Sufferlandrian climate does not follow normal seasons. There is no winter, spring, summer or fall. The Sufferlandrian seasons of Build, Peak, Race, and Taper are all profoundly uncomfortable. If you visit during the high tourist season of Build be prepared to pay a much higher price for everything. The season of Taper lasts for an afternoon.
TRAVEL ADVISORY: There have been reports of excessive Shredded Chamois Throwing in the town of Whine Region. Sore legs, mechanicals, bad-luck and frequent bouts of lame excuses have been witnessed. Non-Sufferlandrians are warned not to visit this area. If you are a non-Sufferlandrian, you probably couldn’t handle the sight and you, like many foreigners, might mistake the Shredded Chamois for a quaint air freshener, take it home and hang it in your living room. If you do go to the Whine Region, make sure your windows are rolled up and that you’ve done your intervals.
It rises some 30,000ft above Lactic Acid Sea level, the glow of its volcanic crater visible for thousands of miles. It is Mt. Sufferlandria: The most imposing peak in the range of rocky fangs that form the Sufferlandrian Alps.
But this fiery beast comes from humble beginnings. When the Sufferlandrian people first began to carve out their place in this tortured landscape, what was to become Mt. Sufferlandria was a lava-filled fissure in the rock. As the early Sufferlandrians flogged themselves in their bike torture chambers, they suffered mightily. But their turbo trainers suffered more. In Sufferlandrians vs. Machines, the machines always lose.
So, when the trainers crumbled and folded from the constant abuse, Sufferlandrians offered them in sacrifice to the fiery well. Over the years the number of trainers laid waste by relentless punishment grew so large that it created a large mound around the crater. Within a generation it towered above the surrounding villages. Soon it dwarfed the neighboring mountains. With each Sufferlandrian victory it continues to grow.
Owing to its extreme elevation the roads leading up to the summit are often impassable and covered in thick Lava Snow. Reaching the top requires travelers to generate enough wattage to temporarily melt.
The Courage Mines
Deep under the imposing pyramid that is Mount Sufferlandria lie the famed Courage Mines of Sufferlandria. Extensive deposits of Courage are located throughout the country, but nowhere is it as pure and abundant as under the base of that most recognizable of peaks. Reaching and extracting the Courage, however, isn’t easy. To meet the unique challenges posed by the mining operation, Sufferlandrian engineers developed a special digging apparatus. They call it simply, The Shovel, and it is the only machine capable of reaching the glittering ore that fuels the Sufferlandrian economy. Sir Neal Henderson, chief engineer on the project, described The Shovel as, “the most brutally efficient engine of Courage extraction the world has ever seen. If you’re not using The Shovel you might as well be using a spoon.”
Valley of Nine Hammers
Carved by the mighty glaciers of lava snow during the last ice age, the Valley of Nine Hammers cuts through the Sufferlandrian heartland like a flesh wound. Travel through the valley requires a special permit, which can be acquired through the Sufferlandrian Ministry of Are You Sure You Want to Do This. Frequent rock slides have been known to batter unwary travelers senseless, and most only make it 5/9 of the way through the valley before turning around. Those lucky few who successfully make the journey with their sanity and skulls intact are granted the privilege of carving their names in the lava flows of Mt Sufferlandria.
The Sufferlandrian Whine Country is the most sparsely populated region of Sufferlandria, with a permanent, year-round population of no one. Although you may see busloads of non-Sufferlandrians here from time to time, most Sufferlandrians are heavily allergic to whining in any form, and find the Whine Country detestable in the extreme. Nevertheless, it is the only place on earth harsh enough to grow the famous Sufferlandrian Grapes of Wrath which feed off the weakness of the Non-Sufferlandrian tourists. It is from the juice of these grapes that the renowned Sufferlandrian bubbly, Real Pagne, is crafted.
Partaking of this rare tipple, which by law is not allowed to leave the country, has the effect of making those who drink it stronger, more resilient, and more prone to VICTORY. Those who watch a Sufferlandrian drink Real Pagne will wake up with a terrible hangover and very sore legs.
The Whine Country is best visited during the harvest, or “crush”. Members of the Sufferlandrian national team, well versed in crushing all things, can be seen crushing the year’s vintage on trainer-powered wine presses.
Amber Waves of Pain: The Elevated Heartland of the Sufferlandrian Interior
To the East of Mt Sufferlandria, beyond the scree field of broken turbo trainers, lies the great Sufferlandrian breadbasket: Amber Waves of Pain, as far as the eye can see. Once, this vast grassland was home to enormous herds of fire-breathing, Sufferlandrian wildebeests. Early Sufferlandrians depended upon these mighty beasts for their livelihood, and every part of the noble animal was put to use. From their bones were fashioned some of the first turbo trainers. Their coarse, scratchy hides were perfectly suited for use as a race-day chamois. To quote a Sufferlandrian proverb:
To race is to suffer. To race in a chamois of Sufferlandrian wildebeest hide is to suffer nobly.
But their numbers have dwindled. The land has been plowed under to feed the growing population of pain-hungry Sufferlandrians. Those who work the land are rugged Sufferlandrian farmers, true salt-encrusted-jersey-of-the-earth men and women.
The Sufferlandrian Coast
Rest is good. For separating intervals.
When the locals want to cut loose and let their heart rates return to somewhat human levels, where do they go? The Sufferlandrian Coast. Do you want white sand beaches, crystal blue waters, and froofy drinks festooned with umbrellas? None of these things exist here at all. What you will find is the glorious expanse of the great Lactic Acid Sea, stretching before you like the hopelessness of your competitors’ chances for victory. Paddleboats! Ice cream! Limbo contests! None of that! Only Chamois Dancing.
While others work for the weekends, Sufferlandrians work until the weak ends.
At the center of the Lactic Acid Sea is a violent, roiling vortex. It is the Downward Spiral, Sufferlandria’s answer to the Bermuda Triangle. All who come close are sucked into its icy depths, tossed around like a ragdoll, and spit back out, their legs as rubbery as overcooked Sufferlandrian tagliatelle. Chunks of French cobblestones swirl around its watery tentacles, battering those foolish enough to draw near until they are bloodied and senseless. The SS L’enfer du Nord runs pleasure-less cruises to the Downward Spiral several times daily, leaving from the Marina in A Very Dark Place. Visit the Port of Blender Tourist Kiosk for departure times, prices, and a good flogging.