THE GRIMMEST BIKE TORTURE CHAMBERS

NO FEAR.

Sufferlandrians are brave, fearless even. In fact, they are only afraid of one thing, and that’s living in a world without high intensity intervals.

They aren’t afraid to drop into their torture chambers and discover new and dark places. We found some of the grimmest bike torture chambers and shared them here, for your viewing pleasure.

THE QUAD.

We can only speculate what these bikes are designed for — to power some mad science experiment, perhaps — but it confirms the old adage that misery loves company.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

No obvious signs that this BTC isn’t buried 90 feet underground as part of some Couchlandrian Wars era bomb shelter; conspicuous presence of lactic acid distilling vats; linoleum tiles.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

There’s a light, so at least you can see how much holy water you’re shedding.

WHITE OUT.

This one’s about as exciting as watching white paint dry.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

No signs of electrical outlets and so the possibility that this poor soul is not suffering with The Sufferfest. So sad.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

If you look closely this merry fellow is smiling at something. What that is, only GvA could say…

FLOGGING STATIONS.

A BTC with multiple flogging stations and no natural light or air circulation.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

Oxidised pipes, infomercial quality weight-lifting equipment, generous amounts of concrete.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

What’s that chair doing there?! Chairs are for Chairlandians!!!

THE BUNKER.

Bricks, burnt out light bulb, leaky plumbing.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

Between deep breaths spent inhaling mold, you’re made aware of the chamois shredding pain of a vintage saddle. Getting out of the saddle to stand for a climb is out of the question, you’ll bump your head on the low ceiling.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

Thirsty? You could always lap up that delicious-looking pain stain.

6TH CIRCLE OF SUFFERLANDRIA.

No one can hear you scream from this BTC.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

The drug smuggling tunnels from Tijuana to San Ysidro are more spacious, better lit and certainly smell fresher then this BTC.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

GROVEL.

POV from the Sufferlandrian Supplication position.

WHY IT’S GRIM.

Any BTC where you have to crawl away from your bike after you’ve peeled yourself off the top tube is a grim BTC.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

Can’t decide if that Big Bird chair is creepy or comforting…

COLD FILTERED.

If the walls of this BTC could talk…

WHY IT’S GRIM.

Hardwood floors that have been pain-stained to within an inch of their life and the sense that this BTC is in the loft of a slaughterhouse.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

It’s got a pretty decent fan. And a pump… what are those for again?


Jared McClintock
Jared McClintock

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