An Open Letter to the United Nations

 

Dear Sufferlandrians, we will not give up. They’ve ignored us so long, but the United Nations can’t possibly ignore our latest request for Statehood. Not with the might of Sufferlandrians worldwide behind us! Here is the full text of our open letter, followed by links from which you can download the high-res posters we’ve created. They’ll look as good on the wall of your little piece of Sufferlandria as they will in the halls of the United Nations.

—- Open letter to United Nations begins —-

Mr Ban Ki-moon
Secretary General, United Nations
First Avenue at 46th Street
New York, NY 10017
USA

Dear Mr. Ban,

You must be really busy. We haven’t seen you upload any Sufferfest workouts to Strava. And you haven’t responded to our letters asking when the United Nations will formally recognise Sufferlandria as a Nation State.

Countless times before, we have made our case:

We have land. Bike Torture Chambers around the world have seceded to Sufferlandria and fly our flag. Ok, that land might only be a few square meters, but a few square meters multiplied by tens of thousands of Sufferlandrians is…uh, a lot of square meters.
We have a flag. And it’s nice.
We have a National Anthem (So moving: http://www.reverbnation.com/sonsofgods/song/15728881-gotta-suffer).

– We have a National Team. They are total BADASSES!
– Heck, we even have an enemy: Couchlandria. Those donut-eating time wasters. Their slovenly lifestyle is a threat not just to Sufferlandria, but humanity itself. Where will Couchlandrian refugees flee if not to Sufferlandria?

Across our pleas, however, we realise we’ve missed something. We have not shown you our people. Our people of strong character and high pain thresholds. Our Proud Sufferlandrians from the Fields of Pain to the slopes of Mt. Sufferlandria. So we attach images of these beautiful people in their natural state.

Have a look.
We ask you to stare deeply into their (clenched)(bleeding) eyes.
Ok, you can stop staring. That’s creepy.

How can you continue to deny us? We ask you to reconsider our application for Statehood and look forward to positive news.

PS. Please include an application form to host the Olympics with your response.

Sincerely,
David McQuillen
on behalf of Grunter von Agony, Poet Laureate of Sufferlandria
1 Rue De Misery
Agonia, Sufferlandria 10/10

—– Open Letter Ends —-

To show how seriously we take this we even put that letter on nice letterhead! Click to view.

  

You can download our ‘State (of Mind)’ poster right here.

You can download our ‘Beauty of Sufferlandria’ poster right here.


David McQuillen
David McQuillen

Author



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