Tour of Sufferlandria 2014 - The Beginning
My dear Sufferlandrians,
We stand here, the 24th of January, on the eve of a historic event -- the 2nd running of the Most Prestigious Grand Tour of a Mythical Country in the Whole Wide World. The Tour of Sufferlandria -- a land near and dear to our bleeding hearts -- is about to run. In less than 12 hours, the first Sufferlandrians closest to the International Date Line will take off to complete Stage 1. Over the next 52 hours (that's how long a day really lasts on earth, you know), more than 2,250 Sufferlandrians will make their way over the course. How many will actually finish?
You are prepared. You are ready. You are organised.
You will hit every single stage with everything you have. There is No Try To Go Hard for 9 Days. There is Only Do It Like You Were Born To.
So. Time is near to Suffer for 9 consecutive days. Your non-Sufferlandrian loved ones may not understand and, over the course of the event, may either try to discourage you from continuing or attempt to get you to see professional help. THEY MAY BE WORKING FOR THE COUCHLANDRIANS SO DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!!!
Do not misunderstand us or our desires for you -- We expect feats of glory from you. We expect to see you go through PAIN, MISERY and AGONY on the way to HONOUR, GLORY and VICTORY. Above all this, however, no matter what happens -- no matter the highs and lows you during the Tour -- above all else we expect you to
And so, tomorrow, we will play the National Anthem and wish all Sufferlandrians luck. For now, we will leave you with Grunter von Agony's rational for the course that lies before you. Global Media Journalist: "Grunter, congratulations on a stellar, imaginative and truly miserable ToS Course Design. What was the idea behind each stage?" Grunter Von Agony: "Yes. Thank you. Yes. It is awful. It makes me cry so beautiful. Now...
- Stage 1: I think - lure them in with easy tempo and nice food. Then make them squirm.
- Stage 2: It is Sunday. This is holy day in some religions. In Sufferlandria, it is Suffer a lot day.
- Stage 3: Long Suffering yesterday. Tired, achy legs will not like short, brutal efforts. But GvA likes it.
- Stage 4: Today get you long suffering AND short, brutal efforts. IT LIKE TWO FOR ONE!
- Stage 5: No. You wait. This is two for one. But one big race with no stopping. Yes - oh - EXTRA SHOT FIRST THEN WRETCHED NO BREAK. We watch you. Minions have sticks.
- Stage 6: Transition stage. But like transition between hell and more hell. Short. You recover well this night. You need it.
- Stage 7: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! <breath> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! United Nations ban last five minutes of Hunted. But no United Nations in Sufferlandria.
- Stage 8: We now spectators want to see Pain Shakes when riders tired. Will be ugly. Take pictures.
- Stage 9: 64 chances to be glorious. You win all.