How does one describe The Wretched? Well, it's like a 35 minute fall from the tallest ugly tree and your legs hit every ugly branch on the way down. Except you're falling up. Did we mention the ugly tree is on fire and your legs are on fire and everything's on fire?
If that's not vivid enough, then please refer to Exhibit B, a Tweet we prepared earlier:
These are your legs on Suffering. pic.twitter.com/o1LLdmJ9Tc— The Sufferfest (@TheSufferfest) May 26, 2016
Along with The Long Scream, there's no other video I quite fear like The Wretched. There's just no rest, no hiding from your weaknesses. The good news is that it hasn't killed me yet, so I assume it's made me stronger.
The Wretched plots the storyline of you, a Sufferlandrian who has forgotten how to suffer, and your personal quest for redemption (and bus fare home). Me?! Forgotten how to SUFFER?! I'll show you GvA.
Well, I tried showing GvA what for, but I cracked! Here's my narrated ride profile from the Sufferlandrian Training Centre app. In spite of feeling pretty strong in the early going, I just couldn't hold it together when the chips were down.
Sir John, about whom we've written a Sufferlandrian Stories article, identifies with the plot:
Arno likes to live dangerously:
And Karen "Non-Stop" Noel is famous in Sufferlandria for her reckless embrace of Suffering all day every day...
Sirs Andrew Keith and Terry Lazarou agree, The Wretched is "perfect[ion]" bottled into 47 minutes.
Don't let those easy-lookin' bits fool you. This is quite simply the toughest, minute-by-minute Sufferfest ever to grace/plague Sufferlandrians. Even then, most recoveries ask for an RPM of 110. The cherry on top are the attacks that come at the end. They come fast, they come furious. Except it's not Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, but none other than Jens Voigt and Thomas Voeckler (both PhD in Agony from SUF U) that put the pedal to the metal.
Don't cover the attacks and get gapped and lose the stage? Looks like you're walking home!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is footage from The Tour de France. The maillot jaune makes an appearance. Contador gets dropped, Jens attacks, Cadel Evans grinds away in a seeming blatant disregard for his drivetrain. If this footage doesn't get you fired up then you should hand your chamois in to the Ministry and open up a donut shop in Couchlandria (because there's no hope for you).
The Wretched rocks out with some big guitar sounds, some solid crooning from Quiet Company & an unforgettable - if polarizing - ode to the Boxhill climb from the Redados. Here are the songs that we could find on Spotify.
Warning: Listening may cause leg twitches, nightmarish flashbacks, grunting and/or Voecklerian-gurning.
If you've forgotten how to Suffer then you MUST do The Wretched in order to square things up with GvA. No, but seriously, you should do The Wretched if...
The Wretched is, for reasons that escape The Minions, the most-used video in the Knighthood Quest. This seems ill-advised, but suffering trumps logic sometimes!
Head to your bike torture chamber for some pure climbing agony with The Wretched and become the Sufferlandrian Volcano Climber we all know you're capable of! App subscribers can stream or download the video and it's also available for purchase here.
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